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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Were you born in America Mr. Valadez?

Yes I was, you Mountie fuck!

Is there a place in the country worse than Detroit? Well as far as major cities go, I don’t think so. Detroit is so bad; I ended up in Canada twice this past week.

I went up there to go root on my beloved White Sox and since I was there I figured I would give the city of Motown a chance. Let me just say that, there is absolutely nothing to do in the city of Detroit. Nothing at all. The place is dead in the afternoon, in the morning and then the freaks come out at night.

Let me just say, you have never been offered to buy crack properly unless you have been offered to buy crack in Detroit. The best part is when you turn the rocks down; the crack heads will then offer you some Popeye’s chicken. It is a really weird place.

Anyway, Detroit is a pretty dull place, so I found myself heading on over to the other side of the border to visit the great city of Windsor. This place has a lot to offer. Strip clubs, bars, cool coffee shops and just pure insanity on the streets. I am not talking the kind of insanity that one might be committed for, but instead I am talking about the random acts of craziness, but before we get to Windsor, let’s get to the border guards.

Crossing over the border is a lot different going to Canada than it is from going over from Illinois to Indiana. The first time we went to Canada the border guard was a pissed off mall cop. This guy examines the id’s and looks at us and asks us what are purpose in Canada is. Well, I guess we should have had a better answer than, “I don’t know, hang out?” He then goes into a 10 min Q & A, ranging from whether or not I was born in America to how much money I had in my wallet. Overall, it was fairly painless, but some of the questions you get asked kind of make you think “are you serious,” but in this day and age, I guess you can never be too safe.

Another thing learned, when a border guard asks you what your purpose in the country is, don’t tell him or her “Oh I don’t know, to bang your mom,” it doesn’t go over very well.

As we made it across to Windsor, many random things started to happen. We see a 50-year-old man jogging with no shirt on but with both of his nipples pierced. Strange right? After that we go to the strip in Windsor and find a TV crew on the side of the street interviewing random people about this new reporter who is joining their staff. This simple task turns into something special when they enter into the “Shawarma Palace” to interview the owner. They make this guy, who was ridiculously nice by the way, say that he knows who this new reporter is and scream at his photo in Arabic. They do this for at least 6 takes and it gets better every time.

The last shot was of him, screaming at this photo, throwing the picture to the ground and says “No Shawarma for you” He then begins to walk out of the restaurant and the camera pans at him leaving of comes across my face, I just shake my head and say “OK, are you ready?”

So I guess if you live in Windsor, you may have seen me on TV, if not, take it from me, it was pretty humorous.

Other than that, the trip was just filled with traffic and more crack heads. I did win a free dinner from Popeye’s chicken, but I left that in the hotel as a tip.

Detroit What!

Oh yeah and the Sox won 2 of 4 games to win the A.L. Central Division. Now bring on those clowns from Bean Town.

Fuck Boston too!


Anonymous said...
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Oh! Canada? said...

Hey, this is a really great blog you have here! I totally agree with everything you said on this post, and now I'm going to bookmark you!

Be sure you visit my blog at www.mountiemoms.com. It pretty much has everything you'd ever want about the mothers of obnoxious Mounties.

kristy said...

your semi-colon use is atrocious.

Glad you had fun in Canada.

I'll be ditching class this afternoon to watch the White Sox.

Anonymous said...

"Everybody knows that Canada is the only thing that wrong with this town!"

Masters of the Hemisphere

mv said...

Does the downtown area still look like a demilitarized zone?